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"Pulp Boot Camp"
Episode name reference to/pun on: None
200
Season 2, Episode 9
Airdate: March 28, 2003
Directed by: T.J. House
Written by: Doreen Spicer
Episode Guide
Previous
"Crouching Trudy, Hidden Penny"
Next
"Tween Town"

Pulp Boot Camp is the 9th episode of season 2, and the 30th episode overall. It originally aired on March 28, 2003. In this episode, Penny teams up with the Gross Sisters to get a spot on the school newspaper staff. However, she ends up becoming one of them, prompting her parents to send her off to boot camp.

Synopsis (Penny's narration)

A wise man once said that every human being has two inclinations. One prompting him to good, and the other prompting him to evil. Good and evil, the eternal yin and yang. All my life I played Miss Goody Two-shoes and I've never strayed... until now.

Yeah, that's me, Penny Proud. Yeah, I'm ashy, and yeah, I'm in boot camp. Holler.

They say a boot camp is supposed to be tough, but mostly it's just noisy. Case in point, Sergeant Snelly. Old boy don't do nothing but yell. A'ight, A'ight. I guess you're wondering by now how I got here. Well, it all started with Mr. Moody, the advisor to the school newspaper, The Checkered Flag Times. It was open tryouts for reporter positions on the paper. I figured I was a shoo-in for the staff seeing who my esteemed competition was, a shoo-in.

Armed with a pad, a pencil and Mr. Moody's less-than-sincere encouragement, I hit the streets looking for the perfect story.

Just as I was ready to give up my journalistic dreams, fate made its presence known.

And there it was, right before my eyes. My story was being dragged to tenth period detention. The title popped into my head immediately-- "The Diary of a Bad Girl." All I had to do was get close to my subject, which meant one thing. I had to go undercover. I had to get put in detention.

Detention was the real deal. There were even students left there from the '80s.

I had to do something to make the Gross Sisters think I was tough like them instead of scared like me.

The truth is, I didn't know I had it in me.

And just like that, I was down with the Gross Sisters.

And just like that, I was hooked on the power of being bad.

What was I going to say? That I was the beast of detention? That I ran with the Gross bunch? That I beat down grade schoolers just so I can get a byline on the school newspaper? I don't think so. So I lied.

In the words of my idol, Darth Vader, "It was all too easy." I could have told my parents Christmas came in July and them fools would have made me a snowman. The path was now clear for me to go deep, deep under cover. I sold protection to the frayed and the frightened. Took food from the wimps and the wimpettes. Took money from the freaks and the geeks.

Yeah, P. Gimme was running things, you heard me? Jacking was bad, but it felt good. So good, shoot, P. Gimme robbed herself. In no time at all, I had enough material to publish my own newspaper, but I never wrote a word of it down. I was too busy counting my loot. I don't know when I started changing, but it was obvious that something was happening to me. It was amazing how I took to my new role.

I was feared by all and pretty soon, I didn't care if my parents knew about my life as P. Gimme or not.

I couldn't believe it. I was on my way to boot camp.

Boot camp wasn't so bad: no parents, three squares a day, movie every Friday...I could've done the time standing on my head. Unfortunately, it was the one thing me and Sergeant Snelly agreed on.

The truth is, I had been standing on my head so long, everything looked red.

And that's all it took. Standing up to Smelly Snelly made me queen bee of boot camp. From that moment forth, I was running things. I ran it all-- from the candy concession to the tickets for the weekly movie. If it was bought, sold, or traded, I had my hands on it. I was the Wizard Kelly of boot camp, y'all.

Everything was going fine. I was thinking about re-upping for another tour when somebody snitched to Sergeant Snelly. Bet you can't say that three times.

There I was, caught chocolate chip-handed, so I stuffed the incriminating cookies in my mouth. But there wasn't a drop of milk left to wash the evidence down.

If my mouth wasn't full, I would have clowned him about his grammar.

And find out, I did. Snelly threw everything at me--latrine duty...

Kitchen duty...

Wash Sergeant Snelly's car duty...

By the time I was on guard duty, I knew it was my duty to go AWOL.

Breaking out of boot camp was so easy, I went back and gave an encore performance.

Three standing ovations and a bouquet of flowers later I decided to continue my mad scramble to freedom. Of course, the first people I looked up were my partners in crime, the Gross sisters.

I couldn't believe it-- my own crew went soft on me. So I decided to look up my old posse. I knew they wouldn't let me down, if for no other reason, they were scared of me.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was the beginning of a long, long night.

Nobody would help me! They all turned their backs on me just because I took they food, they money, and they stupid dignity. But that was okay... because I still had the most important thing there is to have: family. I'm just in time. They're eating. Mmm, smells like Mama made her special pot roast...with mashed potatoes and peas. Oh, no! Daddy's making homemade ice cream to go with the cobbler. Ooh, ooh, Daddy, I want to lick the spoon. Can I get to lick the spoon, please? Oh, no. Puff has taken my place. As I watched Puff lick my spoon-- and then lick everybody else at the table-- I realized they had forgotten all about me. The only thing left for me to do was to get my things and disappear into the night. But first I had to say good-bye to the twins. I knew they still loved me.

As I lay there in the yard, I suddenly heard the words of Mr. Mooney...

"Why are you testing me this way? What have I done?"

My homies, my friends, my family, had all turned against me. All that I had held near and dear was no longer dear or near. I had but one choice left to me.

So, that's how it all happened-- the jacking, disrespecting my parents, stealing from my friends-- it all led me straight here. I started out reporting a story and became part of it. I guess that's what happens when you let yourself get caught up.

Speaking of catching up, I've got a lot to do.

And there it was-- my next story. The title just popped into my head: "The Diary of an Extreme Skateboarder." If you want to know how this ends, pick up the next issue of the Willie T. Ripps Checkered Flag Times.

Quotes

Penny: You know the drill: Hands up, cash out.

Dijonay: But Penny, we're your friends.

Penny: The name's P. Gimme, and P. Gimme don't need no friends. Ha, ha! Just need those ends.


Penny: I haven't had enough, Sergeant!!


Sergeant Snelly: Kiss your mama and your daddy good-bye, Penny Proud. Because Sergeant Snelly is your mama and daddy now! YOU GOT THAT, MAGGOT?!


Penny: Yo y'all, I'm out.

Oscar: Yo, Penny, where are you going?

Penny: The name's P. Gimme, and I don't think it's any of your business.

Suga Mama: Oh no she didn't. Wait till I get a hold of her. I'll give her something alright.

Penny: Oh, you need to chill, old lady.  You're Oscar's mama, not mine.

Suga Mama: Oh, no, she... No, no, that... No...no, she didn't. She practically did, ah... Not Suga Mama.

Trudy: Okay, young lady, you better go upstairs to your room and, and... and take a time out!

Penny: Oh, I'm going to take a time out, but it's not going to be up in my room.

Oscar: Penny! We said go to your room, now!

Penny: (growling) 

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